Carers Group: 20/06/22

Listen to the new Reflections Carers Support Group advertisement from Maritime Radio:

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We had a busy meeting this evening, with two new members coming for the first time.

Janet’s introduction

Janet discussed a selection of interesting resources relevant to group members:

Dementia Together Magazine

Janet reminded us about the Alzheimer’s Society’s magazine. It is available in hard copy (as pictured below) and in a different format on their web site – see here. The magazine has lots of interesting articles and links to other providers.

Forward with Dementia

Forward with Dementia has the strap-line of “A guide to living with dementia”. Their introduction says “Following a dementia diagnosis, it’s only natural to ask questions. Your diagnosis is the first step in moving forward with dementia. Many people with dementia live full and meaningful lives after diagnosis. On this website, people with dementia have shared their good and bad experiences, so you can learn from them and find useful strategies. This, combined with evidence based research, will help you choose your own path forward with dementia.” The UK version of this service is co-funded by the Alzheimer’s Society. You can read all about their service here.

My Life TV

My Life TV describes itself as a dementia-friendly TV streaming service. “It is the first streaming service with content specifically curated for the cognitive needs of people living with dementia. The choice ranges from specially produced quizzes, singalongs, drawing and chair yoga as well as animal & nature programmes, feelgood content, archive news, popular shows from the 1960s & 1970s and more.” You can find out more about this subscription service on their web site here.


Janet also mentioned that The Able Label company sell clothes which “have been designed to make dressing and assisted dressing, easier, quicker and safer“. Her last reference was to Friendly Shoes they claim to “solve more types of footwear challenges than any other shoe technology by making fitted shoes simpler and easier to put on, and more enjoyable to wear“. You might like to have a look at what these companies offer.

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We then moved on to discuss our members topics.

Not acknowledging there is a problem

A mum refuses to agree she has a health problem. She will not discuss anything relating to her dementia, does not go to the Memory Clinic (with the agreement of the doctors) and expects her daughter to take care of any problems. She is very wary about loosing her independence. Her own mother had dementia many years ago. The group discussed their experiences and offered some suggestions. Another daughter looking after her own mother suggested approaching discussions around ” how to make life easier”. Bringing in carers would help – but the mum is very resistant to this. Janet suggested discussing mum’s views with any professionals before they come into the home. Their choice of wording any ability to establish rapport could help to move things forward. Chatting about what might happen in the future and what plans could be put in place would also change the the tone of any discussion, because it is not about making changes now, but looking at issues from a less threatening perspective and leaving control with mum. No one gains if mum becomes upset.

Quick deterioration

Two carers mentioned how their parents had changed in a very short time. One had a fall (playing sport) and her dementia developed very quickly from there. On safety grounds, she had to be moved into a care home.

Another had gone from diagnosis to care home in three months. Again, the move was on safety grounds.

A third speaker said she was waiting for something to go wrong. So far her mum’s dementia had developed steadily since her diagnosis five years ago, but she was still able to cope at home – at the moment.

More than one illness

A brother said he was just about coping since his sister had been diagnosed with a further major illness, in addition to her dementia. Helpfully, the doctors were taking a realistic view on how the sister might be able to cope with different treatments and their side effects. His role, as a carer, had become more complicated and more stressful. He said he was fortunate to have the support of his wonderful wife.

Bringing in carers

A wife was considering how best to introduce carers into the home. The group emphasised the need to find a consistent carer who got on well with the family and especially the person receiving the care. They recognised there would be an initial period when everyone settles in to the new arrangements. The group offered caring organisations they had used: Eleanor Care Bexley, Bluebird Care Greenwich, and Greenwich Volcare. One carer said Greenwich council had given her a list of care providers. Janet recommended The Carers Centre Greenwich for help and advice.

Access to a Care Home

A carer was still having issues with her dad’s care home. Access was mainly limited to week days (difficult for her and her mum, who both work). When a visit could be arranged the visitor needed to be outside the care home building, not very conducive to a relaxed meeting. Tatiana suggested contacting Social Services, who might be able to help directly or at least give some clarity on what should be possible. Things had become more complicated, as another relative had recently become seriously ill.

Avoiding dehydration

A wife was concerned about her husband not drinking enough. He just isn’t interested in drinking. Janet suggested trying Jelly Drops (which are mainly water and sugar free). Janet spoke to a dementia nurse at the Memorial Hospital the following day. She suggested any food which has a high water content, such a salads, fruit etc. She also suggested adding milk and/or cream to mashed potatoes. Being a little creative and considering the liquid content of foods offers options in addition to drinks.

Next meeting 11th July 2022.

Carers Group: 9/05/22

Mental Awareness Week

Janet – read about this year’s topic – loneliness – including 5 steps for well being. You can read the articles that Janet based her talk on here.


The husband was going out by cab, enabling him to feel independent. His mobility is getting worse, but other things are affected too – it’s a constant star of flux. He contradicts himself all the time. He used to go out not long ago, but is not able to any more. It’s hard getting him in and out of the car and his wife has stopped leaving him on his own. A member questioned how safe is her husband is at home, especially on the stairs. His wife is considering putting the bed downstairs, if he agrees, but he currently says No. He is being included with all the decisions so far. He knows there is an issue with the stairs. Janet said the wife may have to say: if you want to stay here this is what we are going to do. It’s in her best interest. 

A mum has been napping pretty regularly in the afternoons and when she wakes she thinks her daughter is her mum. Now it’s her dad as well. The daughter is getting better at handling it. She is keeping mum busy watering the seeds up and down the path that are not really there. She is planting bedding plants when mum is not looking. Our member has had a lot going on with her mother in law, caring for the last 5 weeks. She feels like she’s running on empty.

Care packages

Another carer asked about changing care packages. They would like to use a private agency, but are concerned about changing, to part private and being able to return to social services at any time. Tatiana recommended  speaking to Social Services about options. Direct payments will give opportunities to look for different agencies. You may read about ‘Personal Budgets’ here.

Making decisions

A popular member of our Friendship Group has had a medical procedure. She will need further treatment but, the moment, she doesn’t want it. She will have a consultation to explain it all to her. Janet asked what the reason not to have the treatment – her brother said she has been watching too much on-line and she has a massive distrust of people in authority. Janet suggested she talked to the specialist nurse and raise her concerns.

Having a break

A carer has been able to have a few days in Wales and will be going to visit his 98 year old mum in Cornwall.


A step-father is alright. He can be rational and irrational about things. He took himself to have a procedure on his eye. He said his eyes have improved. He has been taking things into the garden constantly to keep his step-daughter from telling him off for being untidy. So now she’s not going to tell him when she’s going round.

A mum is still decluttering, but actually making things worse – she can’t find things!


Another carer spoke about a friend’s mother who needs support.  But won’t accept  and is managing everything herself. Reading and joining the discussions on the Alzheimer’s Society’s “Talking Point” can be a helpful step in managing your expectations and realising the stress that builds when you are in a caring role.

The MIND cafe is open Thursday 10.00 – 12.00 the first Thursday in the month. Read more here.

There is a Songhaven concert on Sunday May 15th  at All Saints Church Woolwich. Full information here.

Next meeting 13th June 2022.

Carers Group: 11/04/22

Not so Strong and Steady

A husband was going to the Strong and Steady class which he was enjoying. Last week his wife was told he could no longer attend, as they couldn’t ensure his safety at the group.  The Strong and Steady class staff were going to call tomorrow to discuss the issues. Janet suggested the wife say that she has her own health concerns because what has happened. Tatiana said: Ask what was the risk? What happened exactly? What is the element that’s changed? Janet added: Ask what did they observe? Would they consider if she is at risk having him at home – and that will give her some idea of what to do. She can then make a list of pros and cons for downstairs to help make a balanced decision. 

The husband was going out by cab, enabling him to feel independent. His mobility is getting worse, but other things are affected too – it’s a constant star of flux. He contradicts himself all the time. He used to go out not long ago, but is not able to any more. It’s hard getting him in and out of the car and his wife has stopped leaving him on his own. A member questioned how safe is her husband is at home, especially on the stairs. His wife is considering putting the bed downstairs, if he agrees, but he currently says No. He is being included with all the decisions so far. He knows there is an issue with the stairs. Janet said the wife may have to say: if you want to stay here this is what we are going to do. It’s in her best interest. 

Another carer said stairs are an area of concern for his wife too. She will stop and then not move. She is deteriorating and very cautious, weak and not in touch with what’s going on. 

A daughter has put her mum’s bed downstairs so she gets used to it over a few months. She now calls it her new bedroom. They are slowly moving the house around basing decisions on mum’s safety.


Another carer’s husband collapsed in the bathroom last Sunday. He kept trying to stand up and he was all wobbly. She rang the GP in the morning and is doing a diary of his blood pressure, as it was very high. He is on tablets, but they may have to be increased. He gets up about four times a night. It’s very frightening. If he really hurt himself, the wife couldn’t pick him up. She is waiting for the doctor to get back to her to have further discussion. 

Talking Point article “Love Lies”

Janet started the discussion with an article from the Alzheimer’s Society (see here).

A daughter said it is kinder for her to fib to mum, this is how she deal with her. A brother considers which is the greater good for his sister. He says to her… maybe we can think about it later, or, not everyone thinks the same. Janet noted that carers have grown so much having to adapt and look after themselves. 

Care home visits

Another daughter has seen her father, in his care home, a few times during the week but not at weekends. All the visits are still in the conservatory. Her dad falls asleep every time, and there hasn’t been a change in about 18 months. Janet suggested she ask if he has more alert times during the day. She could visit then, engage with him and get most out of the visit.

Next meeting 9th May 2022.

Carers Group: 21/03/22

Confusion in a care home

A carer had a question about care homes and respite. She was concerned about her mum losing her clothes and them being replaced with someone else’s. She also asked if the group thought her mum should see a psychiatrist due to her delirium. Members suggested that mum’s name be put inside all her clothing and there would be a good chance she will get them back. Mistakes could occur. It is inevitable that people go in the room and her mum may go in some one’s room. People will go in and out of rooms because they are disoriented. They don’t recognise their own belongings. Staff do the best and it can be difficult to keep track of it. Tatiana – said if it’s causing distress to the mum she would expect the home to look into it. The carer said her mum is talking to herself and can become aggressive and didn’t recognise her daughter. Janet suspects mum doesn’t recognise her daughter’s house after three years. Janet gave the carer the post diagnostic specialist nurse information and contact Mind for a referral for her mum.

Not drinking

A mum was not drinking. Another carer said he has tried everything to get his wife to drink – special straws didn’t work, ice cream, jelly drops maybe. Janet – the brain tells us to drink but if that part of the brain isn’t working on more responsive days get the fluids in. Dementia is unpredictable… things just happen. The daughter is worried her mum will end up on a drip like last time. Janet suggested contacting Kate Hudson, the dementia nurse at QE.

Living alone

Looking after someone who lives alone is difficult. This subject is hoarding rubbish. The family carers have installed a Ring doorbell, as a man had knocked asking for money for a job done on the roof. Fortunately, no money was handed over any money and the police were called. They came round and praised him for his action.


A wife is much weaker than she as and is walking with a stoop. She has gentle falls and sits down on a step and can’t get up. Her husband has emailed the Memory Clinic and has an appointment

More confusion

A brother was feeling stressed about his sister before the meeting. She had sent messages telling everyone she was having an operation, but she is just having test results. The rest of the family did not know this and thought the worst. She is increasingly forgetful. He might get a Ring doorbell for peace of mind. He will try to persuade her and get his wife working on the sister. They did have a nice day for the brother’s birthday.


A dad has perception issues – auditory perception too. He will respond, but doesn’t turn to the sound, but will carry on the conversation. He doesn’t sit exactly on a chair, but on the edge or arm rest. Going through a doorway he will go stepping up rather than walk through. He talks to himself and other people that only he can see. He had an episode last week becoming agitated and hitting himself which he hasn’t done for about a year. His only medication is sleeping tablets and eye drops. Janet – asked if he was depressed. The daughter said he sinks into a mood, but not all the time. He will work his way through it. He asks what is happening to him and he maybe aware of this dragging him down. Janet suggested keep an eye on how this develops.

How to walk

A husband has ongoing issues using his walker. He told his nurse that he didn’t like it, as it labels him. He says he’s ok with a stick. He assumes his wife will sort out any problems. He is going to a Strong and Steady class. It was suggested to get a health professional to tell him “if you have a Walker then use it”. He might take more notice of a professional. His ability varies all the time. Tiredness comes into it and is not consistent and unpredictable.

Ring ring

You can find out more about Ring doorbells here. The link is for information only, there are other similar options and we do not recommend any particular product.

Next meeting 11th April 2022.

Carers Group: 14/02/22

Valentine’s Day


Janet’s introduction was in response to the increasing numbers in the group and the limited time for discussion. In future, at the beginning of the meeting, Janet will ask if anyone has anything specific to bring up, or has any questions. These items will be discussed, then she will go round for updates. If time runs out Janet will make a list for next time.

What I wish people knew about dementia

Janet talked about Wendy Mitchell‘s second book following on from ‘Somebody I used to know’.

  • In the introduction she talks about how dementia affects the senses, emotions and communication.
  • When planning meals she says it is important to consider the temperature of food, hot meals can be difficult and challenging.
  • Chewing food becomes laborious and some one with dementia may forget to chew enough.
  • Using a knife and fork – two motor skills at a time become hard.
  • Losing sense of taste.
  • Eating the same meals over and over again – you may not remember what to have eaten but you may remember what you like.
  • These things can be difficult for those who don’t have dementia and the carers – try not to take it personally.

The group discussed their experiences:

One lady eats food that has gone-off, soft foods in general and raw potato, chillies, whole lemons and oranges. Her husband wondered if she enjoyed the texture. Janet suggested that carers need to become become detectives. Sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t. It’s important to get them to eat something nutritious and a variety of foods is important. Janet added that in working out ways to succeed you have to be canny and clever.

Another carer has been buying meals for his sister from Tesco, which she now gone off. So, he got M&S meals. She says rice makes her choke and she will only drink almond milk now. She is losing her sense of taste and is becoming very faddy. She also has a ‘thing’ about germs. Janet added that the book said the china that is being used can make a difference. The colour of plates is important – mashed potatoes on white plates are tricky, there needs to be a contrast between the food and the plate. 

A wife said that her husband enjoys his foods and eats obsessively. Even if he’s had a meal he will go and make a sandwich. He did have a choking incident in which she had to put her finger down his throat to release the piece of meat. She tried chopping up his food but he hated that so she has stopped doing it.


Following up on a previous discussion on a husband’s love of going on cruises: Janet had suggested the wife contact SAGA to discuss how they could help. They had a wonderful response back and have been invited to go on one of their ships for a tour and lunch, possibly in the summer. The husband’s face had lit up and it was a joyous moment. Hopefully, it will be in July when they celebrate their silver wedding anniversary.


A wife spoke about her husband’s mobility. He is eager to dance or hold on to each other at Reflections. He has an air of helplessness even when sitting down. Recently when she was out he went on a bus – no stick, and went to the shop. She wondered – should she let him go out by himself? Is she being over protective? He has started a mobility class (a group of 3). Maybe this will help. Janet suggested maybe the wife could take her trolley and go with him or discreetly follow!


A sister wants to change the her doctor’s practice. She had seen a locum, who need to have a prescription counter signed, so went out of the room. She got it in her head that all the doctors leave her alone in the room. Her family have managed to get that all sorted out. The sister wants to maintain her independence, but this puts strain on her family: she visits on the wrong day; she had an argument in a shop over a cash/debit card; and she loses or forgets passwords.

Her sister-in-law said they are asking for her to have a referral to the Memory Clinic. She is not getting up until midday, then taking her medication all at the same time. She doesn’t recognise the time or remember the day of the week. She feels she ruder: she says what she thinks – her filter isn’t working properly. She says she gets memory fog and she is aware she’s not right. These are things she will be able to talk about this when she has her review.


We had a question sent in by a carer who could not attend this evening. She is going away with her sons in March and is finding it difficult to find help for her mum. She thinks it’s best to keep her mum at home and have someone to supervise. A carer suggested Bluebird Bexley agency. He will send some links. He said it’s more about the people who work for them not the agency. He was fortunate to find the right person for his wife. Janet- suggested the Miss Mardle agency.

Reflection piece

Gyda read – “Our lives are full of fragments“.

Next meeting 21st March 2022.

Carers Group: 17/01/22

A New Year

The Carers Centre & Memory Clinic

Janet told the group that The Greenwich Carers Centre is closed, including the cafe. You can phone for support. The Memory Clinic is also closed. There are no face to face appointments. You can get in touch by phone, but do accept delays. There may be Zoom meetings and, in exceptional circumstances, a home visit.

Where is mum?

While a carer was unwell over Christmas time her mum had some odd moments and did some odd things. She kept crossing over the road looking for her mum.  Fortunately, the neighbours know the situation and gave help. Also, she is phoning the daughter and asking where her mum is. The daughter asked the group for advice on how to answer and soften the blow.

Janet said the mum may feel unsettled and her mum means security and stability. Ask her what do you want to talk to your mum about?

The group agreed any comments about the mum would need to be handled carefully. It’s about balance. Avoid lying and steer the conversation somewhere else. Speak to the neighbours about deflection conversations about mum. 

Long separations

Another carer hasn’t seen her dad due to COVID and he has a cold at the moment.

Janet advised her to speak to the social worker about her circumstances and visiting. The daughter has some time off in February and  hopes to sort things out.

How to choose what is best

A carer explained that her husband has had dementia for the last four and a half years. The last few months he became bad tempered and suspicious, so he went into respite. He spent several weeks in hospital and then could not come home. He has been in interim care for the last few weeks. He now thinks it’s his home. His wife misses him dreadfully and grieves for the 60 years they’ve had together. It’s very painful and when her heart rules her head, she wants him home. They have four children with differing views on what to do. She now feels she is battling on her own.

The group discussed the challenges of trying to look after the husband at home. There would be a need for day and night carers. The husband would need a bed downstairs, but the bathroom is upstairs. The practical issues were great, but the group emphasised the impact on the carer and the rest of the family. They suggested writing down the pros and cons to yourself and to her husband. Thinking about of her health now and before – how much can she cope with?

Germs and homes

A brother explained his sister has developed a fixation on gems and getting ill. She had toothache and her face became swollen, it was eventually sorted. Her brother is going to buy M&S dinners as she says she’s not eating. She has a lovey flat now, but wants to move back to her old home (which is no longer there). She even signed up for a flat which the brother had to sort out. 


A husband likes cruising and it has become an obsession, looking at brochures etc. But several times he has booked a cruise on his own and didn’t tell his wife. She has had to cancel and inform the company of his dementia. She feels awful but knows they couldn’t do a cruise. He wouldn’t be safe. She doesn’t know if he understands. She hates being the policeman and it must be horrible for him.

Group suggestions were: getting out old cruise photos and appropriate meals; tell him you’ve booked one for the end of the years and maybe he’ll forget. Arrange a visit to a cruise ship while in dock for a day’s visit. 

Another carer said her dad had an obsession with a singer and booked a trip to Spain to see him. His son had a long conversation with him and eventually he agreed he would need to stick to watching his videos of the singer. The dad sulked for a couple of months, but it worked. 

Next meeting 14th February 2022.

Carers Group: 20/12/21

Our last meeting of 2021!

Saying “no”

Our first speaker has had a tough few weeks. Her son is away at the moment, so she has been caring for her mother in law too – organising everything and getting ready for Christmas. She feels like it’s ground hog day. Her Mum is ok and oblivious to everything. Janet said it’s easy to get wrapped up in what you are doing and she needs to say no to people and recognise boundaries and priorities her time. The carer feels like she needs a few days away. 

Chrismas care home visits

Our youngest carer saw her dad the day after her mum’s birthday celebration. She said he had no eye contact and wasn’t really present. She read to him about Russian missiles and he fell asleep. She has been told there will be visiting restrictions over Christmas period due to Covid and staffing problems. Janet said care homes can forget it is the person’s home. She advised working with the local council to explain the situation and work with the authority funding the placement. Tatiana suggested going via social services, ask if they have had a review and share her concerns. The carer feels like it a constant battle all the time to see her dad. She said it may help for requests for change to come from professionals rather than a family member


A father-in law has become slow to respond and ‘woolly’. He takes time to come to. The carers were going to report that he was getting out of control with his meds. He has been “discombobulating” his phones. He didn’t respond when she called him a few weeks ago. He is chaotic at times. She is keeping an eye on him and will take him out for a Xmas meal. He is a hoarder and lives in chaos. Her resources are drained and she needs to have a conversation with his son. Janet said his safety is concerning (he is a member of the Friendship Group).

Plan for the future

A husband said his wife had been gently declining, but there is now a faster decline. She has less energy and difficulty standing and stepping. They go for short walks and she had been relatively stable. He said that she will look at the stairs and can’t work out what to do. She is sleeping more in the day and more at night when she used to be awake. Janet asked how do he gets her up the stairs? He said it’s getting harder and she risks falling. Janet advised thinking about planning ahead and how to manage at home. He said the consultant has been quite helpful. The nurse who comes round didn’t come back with ideas. He is taking each month at a time. He hasn’t got any respite time planned at the moment. His Mum is 97 and is in hospital at the moment. He is hoping to visit her in the New Year.

Dad ok, mum not so

A daughter said her Mum has mixed dementia. Progress was quite gentle until 4 months ago, then she began sleeping from 1 until 4 in the afternoon and it frightened her – she has now accepted it. The carers come to help with meds. Mum lives in a retirement close. She is having difficulty with cooking and has support with this. She now can’t use the phone, turn on the TV, the washing machine, or the cooker. They have a WhatsApp group to keep an eye on Mum. The 3 sisters are now struggling and need some calm – it’s chaotic. 2 weeks ago her Mum was suddenly confused. Subsequently this involved hospital visits and consultations with GP. The result was a diagnosis of Lewy Body symptoms and Parkinson’s. The medication now need to be reviewed. The carer is distressed because her Mum is distressed. The family are looking at private care as her Mum needs care through the night. Janet – mentioned Telecare to add a door sensor to the existing service (see the Greenwich Telecare information here). A family member can record  an appropriate message. It’s about managing risks. Mum likes to have a handbag, but the daughter is concerned about her carrying valuables. Janet suggested giving her the handbag, as it’s important to Mum, even if it is empty. 

A new habit

We heard about a dad. He has developed a new habit. He closes his eyes and won’t talk to you. He’s not doing the filing as much as he used to but latches onto things like bank statements. It was suggests that it could be ‘sun downing’ as dementia can be affected by lack of light and the shorter day light.

Are you ok?

Finally, we were told abut an old member of the Friendship Group. His memory is worse. He recognises his daughter but not her name. His wife said she has off days but she is ok. 

We hope you have a good Christmas and send best wishes for the New Year.

Next meeting 17th January 2022.

Carers Group: 8/11/21

This evening we found those cared for were doing reasonably well, but the carers were feeling somewhat worn down.

Mobility issues

If you are a large chap who likes to walk, it is difficult to accept that you are no longer very stable on your feet, you get tired quickly and your wife has a very difficult job to do if you fall down. The wife has received help from a gerontologist (you can read more about gerontology here). Unfortunately, the GP said they couldn’t do anything. The wife is also benefiting from having a carer come in so that she can have a break and do some things for herself.

Recovering from surgery

One of our regulars at this group gave us some feedback on a regular at out Friendship Group. The carer reported that, after a some surgery our group member was back on this feet (and he was dancing the day after at our Friendship Group). He tends to be unstable walking about, but when he had a purpose to his walk, or dance, he became reassuringly stable.


More on stability: A usually stable wife had recently fallen out of bed and getting her back up was almost impossible. It appears to have been a passing infection, as she has now returned to normal stability. The husband had recently had the norovirus and things she might have had a mild form.

Getting the blame (again)

Mum had just celebrated her 90th birthday, but she blamed her daughter for getting this wrong, as she thought she was only 89. The daughter likes to ensure her mum is warm in her home, but mum complains about the waste of money and turns the heating down as low as she can. Mum likes to prepare meals, often several at a time. This means that the daughter has to throw away unused food, which the mum complains about. The daughter likes to give her mum choice in what she eats, but pointed out mum always used to eat the same meals on each day of the week – the group suggested returning to this format. The daughter is spending a lot of time in the greenhouse talking to the plants.

Dad ok, mum not so

We always say carers need to look after themselves, otherwise they will become unable to care for anyone else. Easy to say, but much harder to see when you are approaching the point where you can no longer cope. The mum, in this case, has moved to a point where she no longer says she doesn’t need help, but not quite to accepting she does need help.


A care told us that when she visited her mum at her care home during covid (with her outside and mum on the other side of a window) she took picture books. Mum seemed interested in the familiar pictures, even though she couldn’t say what they were, there was still a positive reaction.


Even trained people can get frustrated with their loved ones. At home you can react differently to being in a work environment. If you have dementia you might think being tidy would be a help, but not when you can’t find the things that have been put away.

Using bank cards.

HSBC have been working with the Alzheimer’s Society to develop a card that is easier to use for people with dementia and/or who have sight problems. You can read more here. One of our group has one of these for her day (although no one has used it yet.

Next meeting 13th December

Carers Group: 11/10/21

The group was particularly busy this evening.

Being naughty

A carer is said she is always in trouble with her mum. She is accused of breaking things and hiding others. A member suggested it sounded just like being treated like a naughty child. This struck a chord. The issue was that mum had started putting things in unusual places, then complaining they weren’t in their usual place. This is a new phase – the carer said she had had enough by 4pm each day. She then admitted she used to be a naughty girl…

To visit or not to visit

We were told a carer’s dad was in a care home. He is bed-bound and has been unable to engage with others since November. His wife is not sure if she wished to continue visiting him, it is too upsetting. The mum has also recently lost a friend. The daughter has not ben able to visit him. Another carer said she could empathise to a degree – she had lost her husband, her mum had received a diagnosis of dementia and she found herself also caring for her mother-in-law – all too overwhelming and she had finally agreed to ask for help with her own mental resilience.

Janet suggested the first carer’s mum might like to join this group. A member said she had found joining us had been useful, even if she sometimes just listened to what others were saying.


A husband had fallen twice recently. His wife was now worried that if she went out something might happen – at the same time, she realised she needed a break and a little time to herself. They both have “Red buttons”, but he might forget to us it [you can find out more about Greenwich Telecare Service here]. Members suggested engaging neighbours to keep an eye on when the husband might pop out. This had worked for another carer, who was confident that her local support network would call her if they thought there was a problem.

Getting the blame

What do you do if your sister blames you for things that go wrong, or thinks you have done something you shouldn’t? The carer said he continue to do his best, but his own poor health was affecting his ability to cope. He tried to watch for “triggers” that would cause his sister to start react badly – it was tough.

Hearing voices

A father-in-law was continuing to see and attempt to engage with his hallucinations. He said he was not concerned about apparently strange people people appearing and talking to him. His mental health was getting worse and she felt it would soon be time to consider looking for a care home.


People with several health conditions can find it difficult to find the support they need. A carer said his dad required help to maintain some mobility, but a selection of physiotherapists had said his case was not appropriate to them, or was not their area of work. The carer was currently engaged in providing support via a physiotherapist on Zoom. He would continue to fight to find suitable support for his dad.

Keeping things neat and tidy

A dad had returned to his habit of putting things in his files. This made him happy and didn’t cause any problems – good news.

Missing letters

Letter from “professionals” sometimes go astray. A carer had decided that she needed to be much more assertive to ensure that she had all the copied of letters that had been sent to her mum.

Next meeting 8th November

Carers Group: 13/09/21

The group was very busy this evening.

Private funding for a care

A carer is trying to find day care and respite for her mother who she is worried about, because of immigration status. She will pay for private care, but is finding it difficult to find anywhere suitable. Suggestions were: MIND/ Greenwich Carers Centre and Care Homes UK. The Alzheimer’s Society’s Help Line “Talking Point” helps people with dementia all over the world
Another carer wishes she had gone to social services earlier, not private. It is wise to involve social services, but have a short list too. Have a consultations with social services.
Tatiana said, when you speak to social services tell them about the homes you are interested in and ask about your finances, if they fall below the threshold and what happens?

NHS dealing with their backlog

A carer’s step father (aged 85) is going in for a hernia operation tomorrow. It was cancelled before in lockdown. She said he is getting a bit unsteady walking about, but he enjoyed the dancing at Reflections last week!


A familiar member of the Reflections group hadn’t been seen recently by her brother and sister-in-law as they have been on holiday. She has been confused using her microwave, as it has an oven in it – so she cooked a plastic dish and melted the little ring thing that holds the plate. She has to remember the right function! (an interesting conundrum).
She said she won’t complete the attendance allowance form. Janet reminded the carer that they have  LPA so they can complete it. She has it in her head that lots of people are moving and she doesn’t want to be left on her own, so she phoned the council and they said she could move, As her brother has LPA he can phone the council and explain her needs.
She is independent at the moment but on bad days she gets confused. Her brother brings her ready meals. She now has a Fitbit which she is learning to use.

Planning ahead

A carer has been away and her mum was well cared for while she was away. She says mum has had a dip over the last few months. The daughter has been planning ahead for her mum investigating various care homes. She is concerned about the finances when money runs out and what happens between different boroughs. Who picks up the funding? Tatiana said the different boroughs would have to decide. Another carer said quote the care act if boroughs are in disagreement.

Visiting those cared for

A new carer said her father is in Worthing and she has only seen him once. The home has strict restrictions still and are not flexible on visiting her dad. She is finding the restrictions very difficult. 

Another is trying to look after someone in a high dependancy ward. She is able to visit three times a week.


A dad is relatively stable at home at the moment. The family haven’t heard from cardiology team, after a considerable wait. Dad has issues with hygiene – he forgets what he has to do. 

Practical considerations

At an easy stage it helps to try and sort out practical things. The Carers Centre is going to look at the attendance allowance and help to gather up evidence. The carer is finding it distressing as its all seems to be negative.
The group advised her to look for the good, what can be done. Once the form has been filled in it’s done. It will help to make life easier. The wife says the rational and emotional side of doing all the paper work is difficult and hard to do. She is trying to see the funny side of some situations. She gets Fridays to see friends it she needs something else to do.

Another carer remembers having get the points for attendance allowance. Theirs was off the scale! 
He has been to Orkney for 10 days while his wife had a live in carer. She didn’t realise he’d been away. She gets agitated but all is fine. 

The Queen Elizabeth and Lewisham hospitals

Janet informed the group of the Dementia nurse (Kate Hudson) at QE. She’s there Monday – Friday, 8.30–5.30. She will go and see the dementia person if you contact her. 

Also if you need to go to hospital A&E you can dial NHS 111 and they will book an appointment for you. QE and Lewisham.

Next meeting 11th October